A Satire of Sorts: “Thrill Me.” Taken From ‘Night of the Creeps’ (1986)

Written By Thomas Perez. July 27, 2011 at 9:14PM.


Tommy: “Thrill Me!”

Uni: “Detective Theologian Tommy??”

Tommy: “No….Bozo the, Clown!”

Assistant Pastor: Ehhhhh, we had a call from FaceBook Center, and it appears that many creeds were broken into…by two individuals, dead.

Tommy at the scene

Uni: “Detective Theologian Tommy??”

Tommy: “No….Bullwinkle & Moose!”

Tommy: “Thrill Me!”

Assistant Pastor: “Hey Tommy, you are looking at the body of an actual heretic.” This heretic has been digging into the sauce of heresy since 1959.

Tommy: “What is this a homicide or a bad ‘B’ movie??”

Tommy: “So that’s the body? Who was he? Where’s the other one?”

Assistant Pastor: “Was a grad student, an Enlighten One…was scheduled to post some heresies on FB.”

Tommy: “Looks like he worked a little to hard, huh? I suppose the other body will be Rip Van Winkle, huh? Where is it?”

Assistant Pastor: “The other body is not here Tommy.”

Tommy: “What, did he have a date?? What do you mean, it isn’t here??”

Tommy: “Hey Coroner Jake, did you take it??”

Jake: “I just got here.”

Tommy: “I’m confused, I was told that there were two heretics here!!”

Tommy: “Hey, ‘Uni!!!”

Uni: “Yes Theologian Tommy.”

Tommy: “First off, knock out the Theologian crap. Second, since when does a ‘Uni’ show up on a heretic’s call? And thirdly, you told me that there were two heretics. Now I only see the one. You do know the difference huh? Now I know it isn’t on any creed, cuz that would determine that you had a belief in something singular. But if you use your little fingers, its really easy; one, two…piece of cake!”

Uni: “Well, there was two bodies, but there was a interpretation problem.”

Tommy: “Where were the other Uni‘s??”

Other Unis: “Well, ehhhh, sir…………there was an interpretation problem…………sir.”

Uni: “Well anyway, I came down and read the various postings, and…………”

Tommy: “And got their Statements of Faith of course??”

Uni: Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh???????? Hummmmmmmmm????

Tommy: “You know this is getting old real fast. You know I was in the midst of a rebuttal, and I had to come down here for this?? Are you gonna straighten this out ‘Uni?? Or am I gonna play poop control with your silliness??”

Uni: “O.k., o.k., o.k….I screwed up. I sent three new born ‘Uni’s on a case like this to debate, and at some point they got confused…….and”…………

Tommy: “Alright, alright, that’s fine; but strange and Gnostic gospels and doctrines that have been dead for almost 2,000 years, do not get up and go for a walk by themselves!!!”


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